I believe....

I loved the movie Miracle on 34th street years and years before Maisie played Susan in Gallery's production 2 years ago -  and now...well, the sweet lines of this movie/play are engrained in my heart forever!

Today as I once again drove the many streets of McMinnville-  noticing every home and every for sale sign,  I realized I was reciting something in my head:

"I believe...I believe...it's silly...but I believe"

 

Just like Susan in the end of the story -  wishing for a real home for her mother and her...skeptical... but hoping that Santa had indeed granted her only wish that Christmas...I find myself in the same predicament.

Wanting to believe 2017 will be the year that we own a home again...not exactly dreaming big, not exactly holding my breath but constantly like a petty child talking to herself to believe even if I don't.

I don't even need anything fancy.  I just want it to be mine.  I feel bad for that wish because it's a first world problem.  

Healthy kids and warm and fed.  Nice clothes and fun vacations.  Writing this is therapeutic.  It helps me remember in two short sentences that I don't WANT for anything.

But in all honesty (and that's what I should name my blog in this season of life Honest Musings) I'm driving around my city reciting "I believe ... I believe... it's silly but I believe."

Because I hope in 2017 I have a home to call our very own.  And if doesn't happen ...well....I still believe God has blessed me pretty mightily and He must still have a purpose in me and my babes staying humble and thankful.

Here's Daphne opening one of her gifts this Christmas-  a Susan Boyle cd from her Auntie Becca...and this encaptulates how my kids responded to all their gifts this year-  with pure genuine  excitement no matter the size of the present.  Pretty much ended 2016 with a bang for me.  I thought I'd ruined the last 5 months in terms of mothering them.  But their little souls seem to be thriving.  

 

Snow, boo-boos and sickies

So far this Christmas break has been exciting!

 

It started with two snow days for the kids to start their vacation off early.... we all love the white stuff and especially changes in routine.  Basketball, dance, school parties and normal run around were alllll cancelled!  Yay.

 

 

 The kids got to play outside-  sled with friends, and have an impromptu taco dinner with a family that usually wouldn't be able to share dinner with us on a weeknight! 

 

We've watched home alone 1 and 2, Maisie's been reading, Ruby's been drawing, Daphne's been sleeping A LOT!!!! Recuperating from a horrible cold....mikes been working a tiny less than normal but mostly still working more than most.  I've been doing dishes and laundry and eating the sugar cookies that were supposed to go to Henry's school preschool party.  Oh and maisie is helping with chores trying to earn money for her siblings Christmas gifts.  

 

Today I may even try to tackle what appears to be an accumulation of a years worth of shoving things in crannies all over this darn house.  My mom gave me a heart for people but also her unorganized house hold keeping.  I can't find a dang thing EVER.  And did you know that every closet seems to have mismatched socks in it?

Oh--- the reason I wrote this post was to document Ruby's smashed finger.  The injury that was heard 'round the world occurred at the above mentioned dinner with friends.  It got pinched in the inside hinges of a bedroom door and the phrases that came of the kid's mouth were more like what you'd hear from a first time mom pushing out a baby without drugs.

"I wanna die!" "Why me?!?"  "Everyone shut up" "mommmmmy" "is it gonna fall off????"

 

And ever since she asks me to check it a few times a day and I think she still worries it might fall off.  This kid has a a low pain threshold and a case of deeply feeling injustice..... oh my! 

Lastly, on what's officially our first day of winter break-  Henry began puking at 630am and hasn't been far from the toilet since.  

I guess snow and puke is gonna keep us close to home yet another day. It's like winter knows we need a dose of snow and puke every once in awhile to slow down - rub our kids' backs and clean out the closets of our life.

Again-  and always blessed.

 

I'm so thankful for this morning

 

Sitting here with Tate on my lap ...

There's so much I'm excited about -  presents that I've meticulously chosen for so many people ... many of them in route in sealed up in boxes bouncing around in the back of a ups truck... can't wait til they get here!

Family time and days off school and sports and dance events coming to a halt.

The possibility of snow again this week....

My house cleaner coming today (thus the chair laying sideways on the couch in the picture) -  she's amazing. And it's such a treat to see clean floors and bathrooms.

But mostly I'm thankful this particular morning for the chance to give a stab at some of my goals again.  I've realized when I'm sad I resort to old habits much more rooted than my newer healthier habits.  It's hard to climb out of this pit of unhealthy ness again-  and I slipped again this weekend.  But God's mercies are thank goodness new every morning and I'm bound and determined to feel good again -- so my weeks workouts and food are planned and ready to be executed.  

What if we didn't get second chances at all our misgivings and failures?  

Thankful for excitement deep in my soul.  I don't take those feelings for granted anymore.

We think differently folks....

This is how I write a grocery list (if I even bother)

 

Complete random thinker....

Mike so sequential he made me redo the list for him- 

 

This is why he is so much more successful than me at many things.

In the periphery....they were there.

I've been writing so much about my mom's battle with dementia, my grief, my struggles with feeling like me again ... that with a magnifying glass on my struggles I haven't sufficiently given credit to all the surrounding blessings.

And I tend to be hard on my self-  constant guilt for possible wrong doings, precious time lost and you name it-  I've felt bad for it.  So I'm not gonna spend a lot of time reprimanding myself for writing so many sad pieces lately or for wallowing a bit.  It's just what I've needed to do in order to rise from the ashes.  In fact I think sometimes in our society we don't grant people enough grace in hard times-  and any moments of mental illness.  

Americans have so much pride in "living the dream" ... that we feel bad when despite the concrete blessings around us we don't feel like we are "living the dream".

In moving on I want to paint a happier picture of my life and soul.  Today I want to say thank you to two people who took me in as a daughter 20 years ago even before my wedding to their son ... they have loved me well.

I can't even list how many amazing things they have done for me, my babies and my existence.  Not even sure how to do this justly....

Thank you for your firstborn son-  he is my everything.

 

Thank you for financial gifts that set us in a good path initially as a married couple but of late kept us afloat in hard times.

 

Thank you for creative parties, nurseries, cakes galore, meals, gardens, horse rides, vacations, trees planted in grand babies names, prayers, letters,  special Christmas anniversary, and souvenir gifts!

 

Thank you for being at both of my parents' funerals and helping with the kids when I needed time to heal.

Thank you for coming to the kids' plays, concerts, games and grandparent days...

 

For the hugs, the calls, the security that you offer.

 

I'm so grateful that I have you both-  your love for me is not ever taken for granted.  I hope I will always make you feel loved and appreciated.  All that I've given to my parents last years and days-  I will someday give to you.....As you are part of my heart forever.  

 

Baby making years

 

I love this picture!  It captures the heart of some of my favorite years.  I anticipated that season of my life for so long... always a baby lover ...always dreaming of meeting my children.

Here we have Daphne and Maisie but still dreams of two more-- ruby and Henry were waiting their turns in heaven above.

Cole was Meghann and jons only boy at that point -  with two more to make their appearance in later years.

There's curly haired max and sister Emmy in les' belly.

So much joy right there and so much joy just waiting in the wings!

And my sweet mother in the middle of it all-  healthy and so proud of her growing brood.  She was a book giving, story telling, swing pushing, toy buying grandma.  

Happy days!  

I'm sad to be way past those special days of being a mom of littles and yet I know I wouldn't be strong enough to go back and do it again.  And I know there's so much more life to be lived. 

Daphne Doodle

I'm behind in my daily November thankful list!!

Over and over I'm thankful for my eldest-- her heart and her love of family!

These are a few of the notes she's left us in the last few months....

 

 

 

I've always felt like if I was ET she was Elliott.  Lol.  It's a bond that requires great care and responsibility.  She feels all my feelings and I feel hers.

I love you Daphne Doodle!

 

What will the children remember about elections 2016?

Yesterday Daphne shared our family's political views with her ride home from gymnastics.  When she told me I shamed her. Honey that family wasn't voting like us-  you shouldn't have said anything at all.

Today when she gets home I'm going to apologize.  I've been so conscious of keeping my mouth shut and not hurting anyone else's feelings that I'm forgetting that I should be teaching the kids that it's OK for us all to disagree.

I've been on Facebook today and it's ugly.  So ugly. And it's been ugly at school I hear too.

This country is still a gift no matter our leader.  We still have freedom to make so many wonderful choices that affect our sphere of influence.

I'm gonna keep raising positive,  loving,  thankful children whom run with the life skill child at their jog a thon instead of trying to beat everyone else,  who play guitar with the elderly neighbor across the street,  who send all their money to Mexico and find out it paid for 3 days of a newly drug free person's healthy food and life,  who send their teammate's hurt mother a few pizzas to feed their family,  who trust in God that tomorrow we will still be living in a safe and luxurious country.

America The Beautiful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today was WILD

I am so thankful to be in my bed with my 3 girls watching Dave-  an inspirational comedy about the White House....

Totally with help I was able to be a working mom.  I taught kindergarten at Maisie and Ruby's school.  It took a lot of organization and energy!

First I had to get the troops up and running this am and to school -  with mike on a fishing trip I got creative.  I hired a sitter of mine to take Henry and Daphne to school after I left with r and m at 7:35.

I was running late to school so I walked into class WITH my unknown Kinders!  I didn't know they get to enter the room 5 min after sub teachers arrive!!!  

And it was off to the races.... there is no time for reading sub plans with 5 and 6 year olds-  their activities are teacher led and hands on all day!  No independent work on their part!  And the snot.... one girl showed me a buggar on her finger and asked if she could put it in the trash!  I said yes and then poured purel on her hands. They cry a lot and tell substitute teachers everything we do wrong!  

But so cute---- and I made it thru!

Then after school I had Ruby go with a friend so she could get to gymnastics at 330.  Maisie stayed with me and helped me trace turkey parts for an upcoming art project.  

Daphne walked to my cousin charity's house where Henry was already safely playing since her husband Dan picked him up from preschool.  Poor dan got a lecture intended for me -  since I acccidentally included peanut butter in Henry's lunch-  something in his lunchbox  for after school....

Maisie informed me that she had a milestone herself when we got into the car after my job.

I went to drop her off at our house so she could have something to eat but saw that the appliance man was still there -- so instead we went to plaid pantry for a snack.  

Next we went to Charity's to grab Daphne and Henry.

Then we went home so daphne could change for gymnastics.  There was a note from the appliance man saying that the dishwasher was not fixable after all and now there was old dishwasher water (it's been broken for 3 weeks) leaking all over my hardwood smelling like kingdom come.

With no time I took daphne to grab her friend Megan down the block and on to gymnastics.  I grabbed Ruby and we were off to the pharmacy and our favorite sandwich shop.

Home to eat..... 

That's about it....

Oh yeah- lots of being a mom and watching a show with my girls and waiting anxiously for bedtime!

And thankful that I made it thru a day where I operated as a bad a** working mom-  no dishes or laundry done today but still I gave back to my family's finances and to 18 kindergarteners day.

My favorite moment was when a little girl was not ashamed to tell me she got her coat at a yard sale.  And when she shared the family project she obviously did all by herself.  I'm so proud of her!  

If she can take one day at a time I can too!

Thank you to my little elves!!!!  Even Amy who took Tate out to go potty!  Man I have an army! 

"Only in America" - joe Harper 

#blessed 

Thankful for....

Trolls movie.

Ruby snoring next to me.

Rocking Henry tonight.

Reading Anne of Greene Gables to Maisie Jo.

Wiping tears off of Daphne when she got 70% on her math quiz homework today and said her teacher would be mad at her.  He better not!!!!!  

Not the typical blessings list....

I know it's typical on Facebook and in all other forms to write our blessings in terms of things that blessed US.

Please allow me to flip it around a little and know I remain humble at heart.  This is just a story how God used me to bless someone else.

Yesterday-  late afternoon- I pulled into a coffee drivethru not typical of  my travelings.  I needed something extra to get me thru a late Friday evening. 

I struck up a conversation with the young girl serving me.  I asked her if she was in school -  she looked young. She said she had been but then she had a baby and now she was working and going to chemeketa for a class or two.

I questioned my desire to give her a very big tip since we are trying to stick to a budget and I sometimes find myself trying to feel better in this season my buying things for others.

So I settled on a nice but not too nice tip. And drove away.  

Then this morning  I went back to the same spot because mike didn't make coffee as usual and I was in that same area dropping off kids for a class.  

She said I'm so glad you came back. I wanted to thank you for that tip.  I wasn't supposed to work last night and I had to get a sitter for my baby.  It was really slow and your tip made all the difference.

I realized that that time I wasn't giving to make someone like me more or to make me feel better -  it was a true God prompt.

I told her that my daughter Daphne was a great sitter and I wrote down our number for her... she has a 7 month old.  

It felt good to bless.

I am thankful to feel like a vessel being used here.  Sometimes I've thought recently that if I didn't have a family to care for I'd as soon not breathe in and out anymore.

But I have worth in so many ways.

My thankful list today is that I may have been on HER thankful list.  

Yesterday!

I had a truly special day yesterday!

1) thankful for subbing-  it makes me feel actually good at something.  I love my friend Tara's class-  a small group with kids that truly NEED us  ... and a few gems that I check my math work with before we go over answers because they are so smart.  They don't care if a cry a bit during a read aloud because I know more about nazi Germany than they do yet..sing the whole Mary poppins soundtrack during a math fluency lesson. and the adults in the school make me feel important.

2) mike who got all the kids to school SO I could sub all day!!!! (He's doing it again today too)

3) charity for taking such great care of Henry after preschool-  at which he received the October academics award!!!!  Yay hank!

4) watching Maisie at jazz come into her own as a dancer! And miss k for being the kind of encourager I want to be in a mom!  She is patient and always always praising!  

5) and the BEST of all my friend Julie who practiced an act of kindness for ME!  While I was running around after subbing she came and took daphne and Ruby and Tate for a walk.  And then ----and here's the over the top service-  she washed all my dishes by hand (my dishwasher has been broken for 2 weeks plus!) even the ones I've been ignoring in the dishwasher (they had mold growing on them).

Julie Marie-  you blessed the socks off of me!

 

Wednesday night I was googling "nervous breakdown" and Thursday night I went to bed knowing I kicked BUTT and also that my friends and family won't ever let me breakdown completely.

So thankful.......

Counting something good

I told you I needed practice with positivity -  so here it goes...my homework for November!!!

1) the man at the gas station who filled my gas tank at 550am.  He's 71--- works all night and had a smile on his face for me.

2) two great days with Maisie jo!!!

3) Cubs win-  that's for you mike sr! Love you!  

4) Daphne and her cousin had solos last night in their choir concert-  very special!

5) my peeps-  you are like my buoys right now.  I text and annoy you all day long about this or that.  It takes an army to replace my mom -  she always had the right answers and then would email later and say can I come tomorrow and give you a break?

Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and 

Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and the hope of a new tomorrow.