So concerned that people are thinking:
"wow it's been long enough"
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
"Look at all your blessings."
"She lived 65 years- that's a long life"
"So and so has lost more and they are functioning better than you"
Maybe these are comments that no one is thinking and it's my mean self talk. I think so.
But moments keep happening that stop me in my tracks - making me relive it all- make me realize this remains a season under heaven for tears.
Like yesterday in the middle of dance chaos I answer the phone to a strange Portland number. It's dr Quinn - neurologist in Portland- and he says he has mom's brain autopsy results. Turns out mom had early onset Alzheimer's after all. Doesn't really matter but my little soul is stabbed again. Mom's brain. Her intelligence, her neurons that held memories of beach walking and babies held for the first time and the knowledge of how to teach a 6 year old to transform chunks of letters into words... all sliced and prodded to give us an answer of what took her from us.
Maybe yesterday a mama I love hugged me at the gym and I felt guilt because she lost her baby boy in his sleep at a dear age of 17. How can I cry when her hurt must of been bigger? How can I use food to make me feel better when she obviously didn't- she is fit and tiny and rocking life at 50 something.
I have no answers - this is just my reality. My reality that my heart is still bleeding- it's got a clotting problem that no medicine but time will stitch close.
I keep trying to squeeze it shut. But then again like yesterday a card will come with the words "I had the privilege of knowing both your parents. They were wonderful people- I bet you miss them so much."
You can't ignore that truth staring at you in ink.
So devil on my shoulder that keeps putting words in my thoughts about how I should be acting - quiet yourself- and people out there if you have any of those thoughts for real. Well quiet them too- or walk away from me. Cuz it's just my reality right now.