A Mayflower's Musings

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Just because...

I don't know why but I feel a need to voice my emotions and explain them to others.  Or at least get them down on "paper" -  it feels like if I do,  then I can finally rest.

Tonight,  mom tried to get out again and was sent to the emergency room again.  I can't really explain how heartbreaking it is to know your parent is in so much distress.  I'm glad my sister is on her way there now -  I think that will help.

But this also means that she has to leave where she's been living.  That was the final straw-  and now on to another "home" but this one will be a state geriatric psych unit.  Hoping it will be temporary-  and in between place where they will figure out what mom needs for her anxieties.  And then she can go back to somewhere....

So many unknowns and there is no ah-ha moment here to conclude this post.  Just unease and now I will go to bed and continue to pray.  

Wishing my mom peace in these last years.  

Went to a baby shower and a bridal shower today and came out to my car and just wept.  Seems like those days were so care free-  weddings and new babies.  

These last years have been hard.  I know we have so much to be thankful for and I really do have good perspective most of the hours.  But today was emotional for some reasons and tonight's call from my sister capped it all off in a sinking fashion.

Isn't blog world a safe place to whine? 

Just because...

I don't know why but I feel a need to voice my emotions and explain them to others.  Or at least get them down on "paper" -  it feels like if I do,  then I can finally rest.

Tonight,  mom tried to get out again and was sent to the emergency room again.  I can't really explain how heartbreaking it is to know your parent is in so much distress.  I'm glad my sister is on her way there now -  I think that will help.

But this also means that she has to leave where she's been living.  That was the final straw-  and now on to another "home" but this one will be a state geriatric psych unit.  Hoping it will be temporary-  and in between place where they will figure out what mom needs for her anxieties.  And then she can go back to somewhere....

So many unknowns and there is no ah-ha moment here to conclude this post.  Just unease and now I will go to bed and continue to pray.  

Wishing my mom peace in these last years.  

Went to a baby shower and a bridal shower today and came out to my car and just wept.  Seems like those days were so care free-  weddings and new babies.  

These last years have been hard.  I know we have so much to be thankful for and I really do have good perspective most of the hours.  But today was emotional for some reasons and tonight's call from my sister capped it all off in a sinking fashion.

Isn't blog world a safe place to whine? 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Beach trip 2015



I take it all in
The loss and STILL all this gain!!!

Transplants, tears,  dementia and graves,
Babies growing up to be children, with holes in their family trees.

And yet the roots remain,
And can we bear the weight of them when they cut us free?

Will we share their stories, spend time and continue to love....
A song, a shell picked up,  a laugh well known?

Will the babies grow up and the adults remain fast in what they've been taught?

God is first.
And love is for all.
Family is steadfast.
America IS the beautiful.
Work is so we can play.

Hand in hand-
Sharing it together.
May they be so proud -

Another day spent together in their favorite sight-  the ocean near and family so tight!!!!!!





Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The long goodbye sucks

I'm feeling so sad today after spending time with mom and confirming with the head nurse that mom probably won't be going out of arbor oaks anymore.  She even said we need to keep our visits under one hour.  That just sucks on so many levels.

This was a first- I burst into tears when the kind employee said this to me.  

On the way home I cried again and realized why... I can't imagine not taking her to my home ever again or that she won't see the ocean she loves for the last time.  

Hoping things change but right now her anxiety is too extreme when she returns from an outing that she is unsafe to herself and others.  

Maybe her last months could be spent in our own home with a live in nurse.  I just don't know.  

But right now when I visit she wants to leave so badly and it hurts to tell her no.   They say she is very happy when we aren't there but I'm not the kind of daughter that can rest easy in that.

Mourning one more loss tonight on this journey.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

A house is just walls...but a home is family



Once upon a time mike and I built a "perfect" house.  You know one that had special features desired of the time-  think distressed and apron sink, custom paint and pottery barn dishes to match.  It made pictures and parties look like magazines.










Don't get me wrong-  I will never admit to being a keepin up with the jones' type.  We built a beautiful home, but we had most priorities straight too.  Where we chose expensive fixtures we gave and gave and gave to others in need.  

But in short the market changed-  directly effecting our finances and some unfortunate things out of our control rocked our bank account as well.  And in the end we hadn't prepared for things to change and life to deal us some bad cards.  We had to leave those pretty walls -  ones in which cherished memories were created.

And now we rent and it's a nice home but it isn't ours and it's harder to decorate and create and have pride in a house that isn't yours.  So instead in the last few years I've switched my thinking to creating a HOME and not wishing for things I can't have.

Monday the above home will be auctioned off.  Glad I won't be there to see it.  I've come a long way but it's sad to know that we have memories from those 6 years but no nest egg to show from it.  So if no investment, at least that this first world puts so much weight on, survives from those years then can I find any reason in building and living and losing an expensive beautiful house?

Finally finally I have found the investment-  and it isn't a worldly one.  You know that commercial that says "and we are up to our eyeballs in debt?" -- well we are... And it's really truly not due to the typical reasons.  But still-  it weighs on us daily.  DAILY.  We can't build again for years.  We may never own a beautiful home again.  And yet life goes on.  The children grow.  They blossom actually.  We smile, laugh,  sweat,  cry and we breathe in and out and give thanks for another chance.

Not another chance at perfection or a pottery barn look alike home.  But hopes and dreams that look like travel and adventure and meaningful experiences-  all with or without another house again!

And it all came full circle to me last night amongst people oohing and awing over a house.  In fact one that mike built.  And I'm not saying this couple doesn't deserve this home or that their priorities are out of whack.  They are the most grounded,  loving,  deserving family for this beautiful masterpiece.  



But I wasn't jealous.  I didn't covet one thing.  

Freedom.

God's investment is in our hearts.  They were broken and built back together stronger.  More beautiful.  Eternal perspective.  

Learning can be painful but scars make us tougher!












Friday, May 22, 2015

A "grand" haven for this mama....




Last night was the talent show at Grandhaven elementary school and all the girls had an act in the show.  I couldn't help but reflect about the relationships the girls and I have made in that community.

Whether the friendships I've made have come from volunteering,  sports,  Missoula children's theater plays,  neighborhood life,  pick-up time,  or substitute teaching -  there are many with parents,  teachers and kids alike.

I just couldn't live life in isolation-  I thrive by reaching out,  pulling in and often asking for help.  And through it all I've found that by seeking relationships -  I've stayed afloat.  

Last night as almost each student approached the mic I could say I knew them-  and a lot of them have been in my home.  I could also look around and give their parents a cheerful smile or encouraging knowing-ful look...

They've been the ones I've texted and emailed and called and waved and laughed and cried with month after month.

So many friends-  good years!!  

As Daphne says goodbye to Grandhaven I will be sad that those six years of her life flew by so fast but mindful of the growth and love provided in a nurturing school.

So grateful for all the teachers and friends we've met along the way.  This mother could never had done it without you all!!!




Saturday, May 9, 2015

This is how I feel loved...

Last year on Mother's Day and it happened to be my birthday as well... I spent the whole day removing nits from maisie's hair,  treating everyone's hair,  washing all the bedding and freezing stuffed animals!

This year is completely the opposite.  

I know some of you fellow mothers want a massage or new dress or manicure etc etc but if I have my choice I always ask for alone time!  I need it like air.  

I asked for a wee little bit and mike blew that request outta de water-- he decided to take the kids to the beach for Friday night through Sunday morning!

I'm.all.alone!  Well there's Tate....  

But anyway it's Harry Potter #7, my favorite shows and actually enjoying some house chores needing done!

My hero.  Thanks honey.  He just sent me this picture and there's nothin like stepping aside from your blessings and seeing them from a distance to realize how stinkin rich you are....my babies-  my husband.  That's all I need.



And I feel like I can do it again -another week.  I can fight the depression that is real in my body and the constant pressures of the world on females and moms and the high expectations I put on myself.  

Don't be afraid to ask for help fellow mamas when you need it!  I did-  I do- and I have lots of helpers -  love to all my blog followers.

Chances are if you are reading this I consider you my village.