A Mayflower's Musings

Thursday, July 28, 2016

So grown up

Just sitting here wide awake thinking how grown up I am.... These are some of the words I've been using these past few weeks (not for the faint of heart-  sorry)


DNR

Hospice

Morphine

Eulogy

Cremate

Brain harvesting 

Headstone

Funeral home


And many more....  That's the stark sadness.

In between those words came:

Loving hugs, prayers, caregivers, friends ...

Licorice skittles and wine!

Family vigilance 

Beautiful hymns 

Meal train

Flower deliveries 

Canvas pictures

Memories 

Facebook comments

Support!


I'm trying to remember the good amongst the sad.  When I hurt and want to be mad.  Grace and love beats grief 1/2 the time.  Soon it'll be 3/4 time!  And never fully until I reach heaven too.  

Thank you if you are on my grace team!

Thursday, July 14, 2016

I'm gonna miss her....

 

Her Hands by Maggie Pittman

Her hands held me gently from the day I took my first breath.
Her hands helped to guide me as I took my first step.
Her hands held me close when the tears would start to fall.
Her hands were quick to show me that she would take care of it all.

Her hands were there to brush my hair, or straighten a wayward bow.
Her hands were often there to comfort the hurts that didn't always show.
Her hands helped hold the stars in place, and encouraged me to reach.
Her hands would clap and cheer and praise when I captured them at length.

Her hands would also push me, though not down or in harms way.
Her hands would punctuate the words, just do what I say.
Her hands sometimes had to discipline, to help bend this young tree.
Her hands would shape and mold me into all she knew I could be.

Her hands are now twisting with age and years of work,
Her hand now needs my gentle touch to rub away the hurt.
Her hands are more beautiful than anything can be.
Her hands are the reason I am me.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Unfiltered: a good heart

Been thinking about my moms heart lately.  While her keen intelligence and ability to concisely communicate her thoughts have been stripped from her brain- her true NOT ONLY God given gift but chosen habit of showing kindness,  gentleness and love to those around her still shines through!  

She says please and thank you.  She takes every visitor with a welcoming spirit.  She talks about her loved ones and her students and her faith.  

If only for me -  and I know it's not only felt by me -  she is still a bright light here on earth.

It makes me remember that I should practice a clean tongue. It makes me remember to be patient with my children and strangers in public alike.  Indeed she was the one who taught me to speak and smile to all I see.  It makes me remember to pray aloud like know one is listening.  It makes me remember to say "that tastes good" out loud.  It makes me remember to grab a hand and hold it firmly and warmly.  

And she teaches me to receive everyday as a gift.  Even now she is one of the few people who still tells me I'm beautiful.  Everyone needs to hear that... If that's the last thing I remember about my mom I'm satisfied.

Don't we all wish if someone takes away our "filter" that our heart would shine so purely and so genuinely good?
 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Unbelievably Messy



Somedays in your life stand out.  They don't follow the pattern.  They are especially hard or especially wonderful.

Most times I use this platform to see how well I can express my feelings with words.  But the reality is the stories I tell start with the truth:  I live a messy life- I'm sure not unlike everyone else.  And yet,  here, so often,  on these pages I at least TRY to recreate the mess into a beautiful reflection -  ending in a well wish or a blessing learned or a funny moment to be remembered.

Today I'll share just the messy.  It's ugly-  showing how I operate,  how I think,  how we all just do our best!

I'll save any learning points for another day.  A day that makes more sense to me!

(I'm not being horribly self deprecating in this line of texts....my counselor,  just yesterday asked me to keep a food diary which includes notes on my emotions...as I try to work through my insecurities and unhealthy relationship with food)

 
 
 
 
 
 

Epilogue:

We think mom may go to heaven very soon. Meanwhile I'm feeling very sad.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me

I don't remember so much love on birthdays past....

soooo much!  It made me feel so cognizant that the love we share always comes back.  

These 3 gifts stand out to me this am-- so right to the heart of my life right now.  A balm to my soul.


 
 
 

Thank you to all my givers!  There were so many.... 
 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

She loved first

She loved.
We took.

She Gave.
We sustained.

She nurtured.
We flourished.

She Served.
We Observed.

She Lent.
We Received.

She Released.
We Flew.

She Watched.
We Lived.

She forgot.
We noticed.

She changed.
We accepted.

She took.
We gave.

She loved first.
We loved last.

A perfect lesson.
From a perfect mother.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Remembering them in 2016

Don't we all know that kids are constantly changing.  It's like we parent 10 different individuals from their birth to I'm guessing highschool graduation.  And being me,  I grieve when they metamorph yet again into a new person.  I just know I won't remember a certain word they said a certain way for 2 years,  or a squeaky cute voice or a round face or squishy belly etc Etc -  so I try to write about their milestones here....

Daphne.  Man she has probably changed the most being the oldest in the throws of adolescence and all.  She used to be this confident,  spirited, lead the other kids kind of girl.  And now she sits in the suburban every morning with angst all over her sweet face just trying so hard to open the door and walk through the crowd of her giggling peers to the school doors.  She's learning a tapping method in counseling to help with her anxiety but she says she can't do it in school and I'm seriously considering home schooling the rest of the year.... (Ok honey-  not really!) I mean she is too sweet to have to deal with such anxiety.  At home she is always doing handstands,  hiding in her room watching you tube videos of child sensations or Once Upon a Time.  She will do any chore I ask of her -  including taking care of her little brother a lot.  They share a room in fact... I could go on and on but she is also an undiscovered beauty.  Her skin, her hair,  her choice of clothes---she makes me smile!

Maisie Jo-  I've never been anything but honest here in my own little writing space.  So here it is-  if God gave me Daphne to highlight my strengths then he gave me Maisie to remind me of my weaknesses.  And not because my sweet girl is weak -  nope-  because I am!  She rises early ready to go and face each day with a lot of energy.  She is smart and right at the top of her class in academics.  Her battle of the books team recently made it to state and she read 16 books to help her team be so strong.  She was awarded the lead in her school play of the Jungle Book and had a sweet little solo along with all of her lines!  She continues in soccer and has added dance.  It seems what she takes on she is beautiful at....and so much more confident than when she was little and wanted to hold onto my legs in new situations.  I just know and wish I could be more structured for her because she thrives on a schedule and organization and systems.  Those things I suck at---I've recently (finally) got her making her own lunch and laying out her outfit at night and that is helping a lot. Hopefully she will make me into a better person through it all.  I know she has me beat in talent and motivation!  Maisie if you ever read this particular post -  know that you are the light of my eye and the one I pray for the most!  You are such a bright shining star!



Ruby Roo-  is 8 and should be 1 if I had my choice.  Third borns deserve more and should be the babies but in this family this one has had to fend for herself a lot.  We are grooming an athlete in Ruby.  She loves soccer and basketball and I have to admit,  I thought Maisie was gonna take after Mike in athletics most but Ruby is a scrappy girl.  She wants to be a runner,  a basketball star and can now be seen coaching her soccer teammates.  I absolutely love dreaming about this girls strong physique and attitude!  She rocks.  Besides sports-  she has become one of the best readers in her class and really loves to draw!  She doesn't like to wake in the am so I think we are kindred spirits of dream world... If Ruby is your friend you are lucky-  she knows how to love!!  I hope I can give back to her any lost years of snuggles soon.  She deserves them all!



Henry-  how can I snapshot Henry at four?!  He's busy.  He's a complete mamas boy!  He loves the outdoors and anything that moves.  He still loves animals-  especially dogs.  He has a stutter and a few sounds that a speech therapist will be helping him with soon!  He says funny things all the live long day.. And his best friends are Ollie,  Kort,  Harper, Luke and Grandpa Mike!  He loves chili and bean burritos the most-  hot dogs and anything juice second.   And he'd rather be with me than probably anyone which makes me smile. I won't lie - he exhausts me because he's fast,  Sly and doesn't like riding in the car which we do a lot!  But he has my heart.  I think he'll be my baby forever.  Dear Henry-  don't grow up!  I love you soooooooo much.


Him and Mike and Grandma Pam recently did Disneyland-  he loved it!!!!!  What a life we are blessed with.