Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and the hope of a new tomorrow.