S.L.O.W.I.N.G....down

How do you SLOW down when there's still so much to be done, and your kids and your social life is used to FAST...and yet..your body is saying STOP?!

I have SO much to blog about, and a few cute pictures to share...but mostly the pictures are in my head, because I haven't done a lot of permanent capturing. It's all in here (I'm pointing to my head and heart right now).

And yet I am really tired these days. I keep trying to tackle huge to do lists so that I can rest, but maybe that will never happen because I can't seem to get through the lists before a new list starts. But some things are behind me, like school days (for awhile), moms group (for awhile), and a recent big garage sale undertaking.ou

If I was brave enough I would ask everyone who was attending a baby shower for me, to instead come help me plow through piles here. BUT then again...please don't show up at my door, cause I never would honestly let you IN.

Mike and Daphne are gone for a week and I am doing the single parent show. I don't know how women out there do it - seriously! By the time we get to bed time, I can almost taste the freedom and it is so needed that I get really cranky. Although, I have suffered through crankiness in the late afternoon in hopes of wearing them out for an early bedtime - that rarely works here. Even yesterday they were BEAT, and I laid them down at 7pm..but don't think the last one retired til 8:15pm.

M got up to go potty, to fix her special tent (I was sitting in the hallway playing policewoman), get new books, and lastly to come downstairs, once she realized I was gone to say she was scared and I forgot her song. I was so frustrated that I snapped a lot and I'm not good at always keeping my thoughts in my head. I went up and sang the saddest fastest rendition of Amazing Grace (which felt horrible to ruin that song!) and then came downstairs.

Then GUILT...so I packed up my weary body one more time up the stairs to apologize and she was already asleep. So I woke her up and said, "I'm sorry I was so grumpy honey. I am just SO tired but it was wrong. I love you". She gave me a big neck hug and a sleepy, "That's okay mommy. Now I have to get my rest - I'm so tired". Those were her exact words.

And all was well in the world again.

I'm so glad my kids are so forgiving, because I'm not the mom I want to be right now.

It's on the calendar!

Today I had the best appointment!

a. I've only gained 10 lbs...

b. I made peace with the decision to have a third c-section vs. VBAC. Everyone is different and God has let me know this is our birth story. The doctor and I had a wonderful conversation.

c. I know my baby boy's birthday and it's September 1st. (5 whole days before school starts which is a huge relief for me!)

d. My family's calendar of special days is set (I guess unless he decides to come early)

e. And then while my mom babysat I went to Starbucks and celebrated with my gestational diabetes special order - a 12 oz soy latte.

Today beat yesterday in leaps and bounds and birthday balloon highs.

Just Shoot Me (okay..not really!)

Do you ever feel like you are putting out a ton of effort and it's just not going so well?

I just spent an hour and a half at Winco at peak shopping time with three girls (and one tiny boy in utero). I got home and put everything away (200 dollars worth) and started my dinner with 3 hungry children waiting expectantly.

Then I realized my new recipe calls for a can of corn and that is the one (or maybe there's more) thing I forgot. All four wonderful neighbors have none either. That's okay...cornless Southwest tuna casserole it shall be.

The phone rings and it is one of the video rental places in town. Turns out that I returned my recently rented videos to the wrong store. So although I finally got my movies returned by the due date (I struggle in that area)...they are now late because I dropped them off at the TOTALLY wrong store. What was I thinking?

I give up..but I can't give up...so instead I find my outlet of frustration relief here with you.

Jill...did we really give up desserts for 21 days and was that MY idea??!! Crap.

The rest of the story...

A friend of mine recently went to Hawaii on a dream trip with her husband and I loved how she returned and journaled thoroughly about each day they had together. I say this because she prefaced it by saying to her readers that they may or may not to read every word of her entries, but in the end her blog is for their family memory keeping and she was doing it not for us but for herself.

I feel the same way a lot of the time. Even Mike will say, "Well, I didn't read the WHOLE thing honey, it was really long". So breeze by the pictures or skim the reflections here...but as I've said before, I personally want to remember the details when I am old and gray, so I just have to be wordy sometimes.

The PRE-TRIP STORY

So going way back now....it was May 10th, and the day before we were to head up to the airport for our trip. It was also the day before my 34th birthday. I was doing my best to get a multitude of things ready, all while taking care of two girls who are always at home with me. I find it tricky to keep them active, engaged, happily interacting, and still get a lick done around here. And I have this 10hr a week job from home...so stupidly I had decided to get up around 4:30am every day that week and try to sneak in 9hrs before we left Wednesday night. You get the picture - running myself ragged and pregnant to boot.

Tuesday afternoon I was feeling so guilty about ignoring the girls that when they asked to join the other kids playing out front I couldn't say no. Somehow the other moms in the neighborhood seem to manage to sit out there for 2 hrs most days while the kids play and I do my best to join them often, but once agaicn there's that tension of my to-do list vs. pure kid driven activities. Tricky, yes?

Here's the visual for you...me, holding my favorite jumbo Starbucks coffee mug, filled with my late afternoon caffeine hopes, my laptop, and my camping fold up chair...following after the girls, stepping over bikes and scooters that have overtaken any pathway in my NEVER clean garage. You can guess the outcome. I fell...breaking my favorite mug, drowning my screen with the liquid that held any remaining chance at productivity, and all in front of my girlfriends who sat chatting in the driveway next to mine. I was as embarrassed as I was frustrated and mad at the damage. One of them came to my rescue and helped me clean the mess. I was in tears and gave up on a lot of my pre-trip expectations all in one fell swoop - or fall.

My computer wouldn't work anyways so no more hours were completed, and by then some damage had really been done on my immune system. That night, despite being out on a pre-planned date with Mike for my birthday, I really began to feel sick with a sore throat. I went to bed late after sitting in my rocking chair and texting a few good friends to pray for me as I sobbed feeling sorry for myself. OH, how I know someday this will seem so trivial, but it felt like a wall that I couldn't climb - pregnancy hormones????

My birthday came the next morning and I was in no shape to celebrate - let alone the time to do so. We managed a quick donut run as a family that am, but then the frantic to-do's began. I had to take Daphne, with the little girls in tow to Salem to complete her passport card process for a missions trip she is taking later this month. It's a good 1hr drive each way. Then she went back to school. I promptly drove to urgent care as I was sure I had strep by that point. Let's just say I worked really hard at that visit, trying to keep the girls amused while we waited for doctor and then the culture, etc etc.

By the time we got home I had just hours to finish laundry, pack, write notes about all the care I had arranged for Ruby and Daphne while I was gone, and maybe leave the house somewhat tidy for Mike (more for my peace of mind - he could care less) I think when Pam came to pick Maisie and me up for our BIG trip, I was mostly ready..posty notes everywhere, finishing up all the clean laundry, dishes done, bags packed and organized well for plane activities, airplane rules...

My sweet mom in law really wanted to go out and have a big dinner somewhere and maybe shop for a new outfit for me - as it was my birthday too, but by then it was like 7-7:30 and my body was DONE. We drove thru A&W and headed to the hotel by the airport. We were in bed by 9pm and then up at 4am for an early flight.

Luckily, with all the preparations of the trip behind me and only the FUN ahead of me, I did my best to ignore that I was sick. I popped any vitamin and drug my midwife allowed and I think I was a trooper. I'm so glad it was two adults on one child because although doing Disneyland is high paced - we were in control of our schedule and got to focus on Maisie alone. Here's some of my other favorite memories of our week with my 5 year old Maisie:

When we got there I was a bit hung over from the anti-anxiety pills I took on the plane. My midwife had okayed them and I gladly popped them:) We had one day to lay around and we chose that day to swim and gear up. And it was a hot hot one...I got scorched. Maisie would have swam vs going to Disneyland everyday probably - she loved it!

Our first night we still wanted a "taste" of Disney - so we strolled Downtown Disney and had dinner at the Rainforest Cafe.

Here's her and Grandma in a fun little store and her first giant treat of many.

I won't lie, Maisie had a fine and dandy tantrum our first minutes in Disneyland. We have found out recently that she has a hard time with sensory integration (another story entirely) and so I new Disneyland would be OVER stimulating. But with some time having passed from our trip I have realized that NO trip with kids isn't remiss some bumps, right? It was quickly defused and we were on our way to the carousel and many many joyful moments.

I think Pam and I were brilliant at manuevering the park - we didn't stand in any huge lines w Mais. We did fast passes or one of us stood in a long line while the other took her somewhere else nearby. With one child you can meet most of their whims and fancies and it feels so good.

She's a thrill seeker for sure, but a fine detail lover also. She went on all the roller coasters multiple times, but also loved the princesses, and rides like Small World. And every time we got off a ride she asked to go on it again immediately.

You may think she wore the same dress the whole trip, but she has a couple of them (part of her sensory issues is tactile and major clothes issues) We couldn't get her to do her hair in fun up-do's or wear a princess gown, but I have a feeling those days will come in the future and she will knock all the boys dead with her figure and blue eyes! Right now she demands a patience from me that I don't come by naturally - but once again this trip was a magical gift from her Grandma to me - because I rarely get my babies one on one.

Our hotel was wonderful. It had these huge fish tanks that seemed to soothe her. She loved to check em out everytime we headed out to our shuttle.

Although I DO believe if you can only afford/manage ONE family trip to Disneyland with your trip that 8-12 is the best age...this was her face on all the rides. Magic.

Face painting was so fun and luckily that stuff doesn't bother her...Pam and I had to join in on the fun too.

Maisie liked taking our pictures - Grandma Pam was so patient and all about spoiling us!

We got to the park each day early and went hard till lunch-ish. Then we went back and napped, and returned for my favorite time of day in Disneyland...night!

Our last day at Disneyland we rode behind "Sulley" and savored Main Street one last time on this lazy ride.

We left the park really really tired but with no regrets. We'd done it all and ate it all and filled Maisie with a million fun memories.



It took me at least a week AFTER getting home to feel better and get back on my feet. It's been about a month now and my sore throat and sore feet have long recovered and now I'll just remember some of those special moments with her in Disneyland. I won't even share them in detail... they defy words.

(To a 90 year old Stefanie...or maybe even a 50 year old Stefanie...if you forget those referred to moments...just remember this smile)