The long goodbye sucks

I'm feeling so sad today after spending time with mom and confirming with the head nurse that mom probably won't be going out of arbor oaks anymore.  She even said we need to keep our visits under one hour.  That just sucks on so many levels.

This was a first- I burst into tears when the kind employee said this to me.  

On the way home I cried again and realized why... I can't imagine not taking her to my home ever again or that she won't see the ocean she loves for the last time.  

Hoping things change but right now her anxiety is too extreme when she returns from an outing that she is unsafe to herself and others.  

Maybe her last months could be spent in our own home with a live in nurse.  I just don't know.  

But right now when I visit she wants to leave so badly and it hurts to tell her no.   They say she is very happy when we aren't there but I'm not the kind of daughter that can rest easy in that.

Mourning one more loss tonight on this journey.