Just because...

I don't know why but I feel a need to voice my emotions and explain them to others.  Or at least get them down on "paper" -  it feels like if I do,  then I can finally rest.

Tonight,  mom tried to get out again and was sent to the emergency room again.  I can't really explain how heartbreaking it is to know your parent is in so much distress.  I'm glad my sister is on her way there now -  I think that will help.

But this also means that she has to leave where she's been living.  That was the final straw-  and now on to another "home" but this one will be a state geriatric psych unit.  Hoping it will be temporary-  and in between place where they will figure out what mom needs for her anxieties.  And then she can go back to somewhere....

So many unknowns and there is no ah-ha moment here to conclude this post.  Just unease and now I will go to bed and continue to pray.  

Wishing my mom peace in these last years.  

Went to a baby shower and a bridal shower today and came out to my car and just wept.  Seems like those days were so care free-  weddings and new babies.  

These last years have been hard.  I know we have so much to be thankful for and I really do have good perspective most of the hours.  But today was emotional for some reasons and tonight's call from my sister capped it all off in a sinking fashion.

Isn't blog world a safe place to whine? 

Just because...

I don't know why but I feel a need to voice my emotions and explain them to others.  Or at least get them down on "paper" -  it feels like if I do,  then I can finally rest.

Tonight,  mom tried to get out again and was sent to the emergency room again.  I can't really explain how heartbreaking it is to know your parent is in so much distress.  I'm glad my sister is on her way there now -  I think that will help.

But this also means that she has to leave where she's been living.  That was the final straw-  and now on to another "home" but this one will be a state geriatric psych unit.  Hoping it will be temporary-  and in between place where they will figure out what mom needs for her anxieties.  And then she can go back to somewhere....

So many unknowns and there is no ah-ha moment here to conclude this post.  Just unease and now I will go to bed and continue to pray.  

Wishing my mom peace in these last years.  

Went to a baby shower and a bridal shower today and came out to my car and just wept.  Seems like those days were so care free-  weddings and new babies.  

These last years have been hard.  I know we have so much to be thankful for and I really do have good perspective most of the hours.  But today was emotional for some reasons and tonight's call from my sister capped it all off in a sinking fashion.

Isn't blog world a safe place to whine? 

Beach trip 2015

I take it all in

The loss and STILL all this gain!!!

Transplants, tears,  dementia and graves,

Babies growing up to be children, with holes in their family trees.

And yet the roots remain,

And can we bear the weight of them when they cut us free?

Will we share their stories, spend time and continue to love....

A song, a shell picked up,  a laugh well known?

Will the babies grow up and the adults remain fast in what they've been taught?

God is first.

And love is for all.

Family is steadfast.

America IS the beautiful.

Work is so we can play.

Hand in hand-

Sharing it together.

May they be so proud -

Another day spent together in their favorite sight-  the ocean near and family so tight!!!!!!

The long goodbye sucks

I'm feeling so sad today after spending time with mom and confirming with the head nurse that mom probably won't be going out of arbor oaks anymore.  She even said we need to keep our visits under one hour.  That just sucks on so many levels.

This was a first- I burst into tears when the kind employee said this to me.  

On the way home I cried again and realized why... I can't imagine not taking her to my home ever again or that she won't see the ocean she loves for the last time.  

Hoping things change but right now her anxiety is too extreme when she returns from an outing that she is unsafe to herself and others.  

Maybe her last months could be spent in our own home with a live in nurse.  I just don't know.  

But right now when I visit she wants to leave so badly and it hurts to tell her no.   They say she is very happy when we aren't there but I'm not the kind of daughter that can rest easy in that.

Mourning one more loss tonight on this journey.