I'm enough - Just Me

As long as I can remember - 1st grade?, 2nd grade?, I was drawn to the "prettiest" ones - Could it be that even then I believed the lies that the world teaches us?  Blonde hair, blue eyes, teeny tiny.  The ballerina.  The most popular.  The one that had the blue marks on their shoes that said "keds". Or the one that had the most jelly bracelets.  I wanted to be their best friend, if I couldn't be them.

And then that evolved eventually when I realized there were other "good" standards besides beauty and money.  I would also need to be smart.   A's would make people like me - especially adults in my life.  Lots of them.  For a long time that kept me busy enough.  Please know this was self-inflicted.  Be pretty - which included being thin of course.  Wear cool clothes - fit in.  And get the best grades.  Ha.  Yeah, that kept me in constant "keep up" motion.  Did I pull that off well?  Nah, my hair never looked all that perfect.  My weight went up and down as early as 6th grade.  Hmmm...I guess I did very well with the grades.  Although it stressed me out enough.

By college, I definitely had the thin thing down and the grades.  Add in fitness to the routine.  Fast forward to marriage - two domestic talented women came into my life.  Decorating abilities, baking abilities, seamstress, canner, between the two of them my world was opened up to all things Martha would be proud of and an expert at!  That helped me make a pretty home and a stunning baby nursery and wear an apron or two.

Report cards were no longer in my life - but I still had to keep up with my body image, my wardrobe, and now a pottery barn catalogue graced my life as well.   Oh, and when my thin body went, I focused on my new babies - their cuteness and their clothes.  Of course, it panicked me to be a size 12 but as long as my  babies were in Gymboree I could live with it.

In between these seasons of keeping up with keeping up there was some true joy in many of these efforts. When my talents and skills were involved and something made me smile.  And there have been many tears too.  I guess that's life.

Or is it?

I'm starting to take a huge HUGE step back and look at myself.  Really look at myself through God's eye more than my own and also as a mother.  What if I reached into the bulk container of jelly beans and filled my baggy with an assortment of colors.  Would I get home and count the colors and say, wow this doesn't compare to my neighbor's bag of jelly beans?  She got more reds and blues than me.  I got way too many whites and NO stinkin yellows at all.  How fair is that?  Of course not, it's luck.  But why do I go about my life comparing myself to so many women, when not only did GOD fill my life with gifts, but planned them out just perfectly.

I've wanted to be WHITNEY HOUSTON - I'd love to have that VERY rare and unique singing GIFT - but instead God gave me the ability to sing very well at church, serenade my babies, and join in a group of carolers whenever I see fit, because I can sing on tune.  Will I ever win American IDOL - NO.  I won't.  But when God created me He said this girl will sing and she will LOVE LOVE LOVE it.  It will make me smile.

I've wanted to be on SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE...to go out and blow some judges away because they have just discovered that me, Stefanie, who stands out.  I will be a STAR dancer.  Will I ever even grace that stage....um no.  Can't even do a piroette.  But guess what, I can go into Zumba class and keep up with the instructor.  There are even moments when dance becomes me and I look pretty good in the mirror samba-ing my heart out.  God said this girl will love music and love to move and she will be able to dance for fun and to keep healthy.  Win win.

I've wanted to be the BEST mom on the block.  Stop in without notice and my house will look like Pottery Barn Kids.  If you look in my fridge you will find healthy food.  The kids will  be doing their homework - not watching TV.  My Bible will be opened on my bed side.  But instead, it's messy.  Don't come over unannounced please - you think I'm joking.  I'm not.  Well, okay, I love my friends so you are welcome but you will raise my heart rate and  blood pressure and I will think you are judging every piece of dirt.  God did not NOT NOT NOT  make me organized.  But you know what?  Gosh darnit, I'm gonna CLAIM my creativeness.  I can imagine and create.  I can make a house look so pretty.  I can choose colors and make a wreath and arrange things just so.  When God created me, he said this GIRL, my girl, sees beauty in all things.  She will make her house homey for her family.  Her kids will make messes because.... guess what?HE made them creative just like their mama.  Yep, they have to be messy to learn to see beauty too.  And for a season my daughter Stefanie won't be able to control messes.  But I'm gonna keep her here extra long  because she doesn't know it yet, but this is the TIME of HER life.  And God says someday, I will have to physically carry her --- when her house is beautiful and her babies aren't in it anymore.  This daughter of mine loves her kids.

And then probably my greatest wish.  And I'm sobbing as I write this because it has been the BIGGEST lie the ENEMY has every told me.  (ugly cry)  "You are not enough.  Your thighs are bigger than the other girls.  Your stomach pouches.  Your hair doesn't lay flat...in fact some people will make fun of it. You are NOT like the girls in the magazines and YOU are NOT ENOUGH".  And even today as I know the lie is not true, I want to believe it.  Why?  Because I STILL want to look like the girl at the gym that everyone wants to look like.  I STILL want to be the girl in the Nordstroms magazine.  I STILL still still want to hold onto that dream.  BUT I have to  break if off.  I have to break this lie DAY after DAY, because I AM beautiful.  When he made me...he said her Grandfather and Her Dad and Her uncle will LOVE this little girls rosy cheeks and curly hair.  She won't believe me so I will put them in her life.  God said this girl will wear a SMILE that makes everyone feel more comfortable in their own skin even when she doubts her own skin.  God said this little girl will grow up and still believe the lie at 37, but then I will show her with the best gift EVER.

There names are Daphne, Maisie, and Ruby.  And they look nothing alike and their mama, ME, will see their beauty.  She will see that every girl is beautiful.  It's my job.  My biggest job is to show them how God sees them.  And watch out if anyone tells one of my girls that she doesn't fit this world's grade A, top shelf, magazine worthy body.  I will hurt them.  Because they are special and I know they probably won't believe it.  But I will believe it for them til I die.
                             
Did I get the same bag of jelly beans as you?  Hell no.  And I don't want it.  I want the BEST me.  And man is it a work in progress.  I want to believe the lie still now in my conclusion.  It's hard to not want to be the most popular, the prettiest, the smartest, the best decorator and the model.  Step aside though....I see only heartache in the Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson story.  This world puts extremely unique people on a pedestal that they can't stand on - because its lonely up there.  Ill take my church singing, zumba dancing, occasional pretty party, sometimes made bed and average size, BIG smile for all you, strangers and friends, that I love any day over isolation.

I reach more people that way.  And guess what?  I found out recently that I help people heal in their emotional sadness.  Why?  Probably cause when God created "this girl"...well he said, sorry, baby, but you are going to feel everyone's pain in a REAL and SAD way because I want you to get  in there and listen to them and be able to understand them.  Because I need you to tell them I LOVE THEM.  And they will believe you because they will see in your eyes that you feel what they are feeling.  It may feel like a curse, but it's your purpose, your gift.  Reach out.  Smile.  Love people.

Not the norm for a "selfie" but i think i look beautiful here.....let's try to reform our view of our own beauty!