Left to wonder....

Anymore I don't take conversations with anyone for granted.  The other day I got some special 1-1 with my Grandmother (well Henry was along making background noises) and I couldn't help but be in awe of her mind.   Seems an ironic thought but she's 20 years my moms senior and yet I can have full wonderful back and forths about life with Grandma still and not my mother. She's my last living grandparent and also a connection to my parents and my childhood and I love that she allows me access to all that history in a heartbeat.

Mom and Dad -  or at least mom, were around for my sister's and brother's and my beginnings of parenthood.  For the births,  the baby has a high temp call in the middle of the night, diaper changes,  toddler antics, slobbery kisses,  sand in the mouth at the beach, zoo trips,  notes in picture books purchased and quite a few phone calls about "can you come I need a break now!"....  And yet things are changing with our kids now and it's left me wondering.

When a certain child pouts about their chores, would I have called one of them and said "I'm sorry for every time I didn't want to help out-  I should have more and I finally get it"

When one has an attitude reeking with teenage  hormones would I have called or texted and said "mom,  how often was I snarky with you and did you roll your eyes and swear at me in private?!"

When finances and future orthodonture bills loom heavy,  would I have called Dad and said "man this is a huge injustice-  $6000 dollars for braces!!!!  Can you believe it?"

When a child sings like a bird, and one strokes a piano effortlessly, when one wins his basketball tournament, and another a reading contest....I wonder what their response would be?  And I wish I could ask what moments made them most proud of me? But mostly I want THEIR eyes and ears in the audience still! 

There's so much I want to say thank you for that I'm just NOW understanding fully and I know all my life that will continue.  Parenting is rough and I know I didn't fully appreciate them.  Especially my dad who worked a job he never loved all his career just to take us to the beach and send us to the colleges of our choosing.  What a grind.  I know I would be coming into a new stage in our relationship about now and I'm left with my thoughts and reflections instead of a line of connection with them.

Left wishing and wondering about many unsaid conversations and also Heaven.  And sad that all this grief has left me less joyful and faithful in some things.  But then again don't we all have our junk that pushes us into adulthood a little more calloused?

So for now I'll hold onto a memory from last night-   her smile and the fact that when we walked down the candy aisle last night looking for Easter chocolate crosses -  she grabbed a bunny and said "this is candy -  I need it!"  That makes me laugh.  Not my mom I knew but she's happy.  I'll have to just take happy.

"Hey mom,  and dad you worked really hard-  you deserved more and I wonder if you know I miss you?!"