Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and 

Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and the hope of a new tomorrow.  

Why am I worrying what other people think of my grief?

Sorta over spending quiet moments worrying about what people think of me.

So concerned that people are thinking:

"wow it's been long enough"

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"

"Look at all your blessings."

"She lived 65 years- that's a long life"

"So and so has lost more and they are functioning better than you"

Maybe these are comments that no one is thinking and it's my mean self talk.  I think so.

But moments keep happening that stop me in my tracks -  making me relive it all-  make me realize this remains a season under heaven for tears.

Like yesterday in the middle of dance chaos I answer the phone to a strange Portland number.  It's dr Quinn -  neurologist in Portland-  and he says he has mom's brain autopsy results.  Turns out mom had early onset Alzheimer's after all.  Doesn't really matter but my little soul is stabbed again.  Mom's brain.  Her intelligence, her neurons that held memories of beach walking and babies held for the first time and the knowledge of how to teach a 6 year old to transform chunks of letters into words... all sliced and prodded to give us an answer of what took her from us.

Maybe yesterday a mama I love hugged me at the gym and I felt guilt because she lost her baby boy in his sleep at a dear age of 17.  How can I cry when her hurt must of been bigger?  How can I use food to make me feel better when she obviously didn't-  she is fit and tiny and rocking life at 50 something.

I have no answers -  this is just my reality.  My reality that my heart is still bleeding- it's got a clotting problem that no medicine but time will stitch close.

I keep trying to squeeze it shut.  But then again like yesterday a card will come with the words "I had the privilege of knowing both your parents.  They were wonderful people-  I bet you miss them so much."

You can't ignore that truth staring at you in ink.

So devil on my shoulder that keeps putting words in my thoughts about how I should be acting -  quiet yourself-  and people out there if you have any of those thoughts for real.  Well quiet them too-  or walk away from me.  Cuz it's just my reality right now.