Rewrite

I couldn't sleep last night. Wanted to go back and delete yesterday's post or at least take it off of Facebook.   It's good to write when I'm sad.  It's like the words absorb my messy feelings.  Like a sponge they draw out the puddles of tears.  But I think my raw thoughts make  people worry about me.

I may feel better after writing-  like if I admit my struggles and then share them with the world,  it'll clear my slate and I can have a do-over.  And maybe like a friend reminded me today - others feel the same and my honest admissions clear their slates too.  Unite deep feelers and those that feel unworthy to hold the title wife mother friend and even female.

But in a world searching for less of a facade - I've always been an open book.  "Stefanie -  don't tell your father how much we spent at the grocery store."  Two minutes later I had to clear my conscience and tell Dad that we had spent such and such dollars at the grocery store.  Even today I can't keep a secret or my feelings to myself.  Maybe tho-  every blog post should come with a disclaimer:  I write to purge my deepest thoughts-  it soothes me-  please don't worry to much about me.  I want you to know my dark thoughts almost as a giant hug to myself.  I want you to know me - all of me-  and still hopefully like me.

So here's the rewrite.

As we prepare for school to begin again the to do lists are both overwhelming and exciting.

 

Daphne feels much better about going to middle school this year!  She has friends.  She is in her schools advanced choir and a singing competition team at a performance studio in town.  I'm thankful her confidence is appearing again!

Maisie is headed to 5th grade and has found a new love-  dance!!!  Now we just have to decide how many dance classes we can afford and how many her week to week endurance will allow!  I always thought she'd use her long feet for swimming but it's looking like she's on pointe with something else !!!

Ruby roo has more personality than us all!  Well Henry is a close 2nd.  She's so funny.  And soccer season and 3rd grade are right around the corner -  how can that be?  We haven't read or practiced math facts as much as I'd have liked but her tan and battle wounds prove she had an adventurous summer!

Henry appears to like the water more this year and food too.  I can't believe I'm going to place him in full day preschool three days a week this fall.  I won't lie I'm not ready for that.  But where I've lacked in school prep for him,  I know his teachers will help him greatly !  He adores me and I him.  I think he thinks I'm his girlfriend which is sweet and I know won't last.  Henry too is gonna try soccer this fall!  

See -  I can be positive.  And yet then it just dances the surface of my heart.  And well my heart is tore wide open right now and my friends and family alike may just stumble into its trenches every once in awhile.  If I bring you there sometimes just know sharing sorrow helps me heal.