Thankful for....

Trolls movie.

Ruby snoring next to me.

Rocking Henry tonight.

Reading Anne of Greene Gables to Maisie Jo.

Wiping tears off of Daphne when she got 70% on her math quiz homework today and said her teacher would be mad at her.  He better not!!!!!  

Not the typical blessings list....

I know it's typical on Facebook and in all other forms to write our blessings in terms of things that blessed US.

Please allow me to flip it around a little and know I remain humble at heart.  This is just a story how God used me to bless someone else.

Yesterday-  late afternoon- I pulled into a coffee drivethru not typical of  my travelings.  I needed something extra to get me thru a late Friday evening. 

I struck up a conversation with the young girl serving me.  I asked her if she was in school -  she looked young. She said she had been but then she had a baby and now she was working and going to chemeketa for a class or two.

I questioned my desire to give her a very big tip since we are trying to stick to a budget and I sometimes find myself trying to feel better in this season my buying things for others.

So I settled on a nice but not too nice tip. And drove away.  

Then this morning  I went back to the same spot because mike didn't make coffee as usual and I was in that same area dropping off kids for a class.  

She said I'm so glad you came back. I wanted to thank you for that tip.  I wasn't supposed to work last night and I had to get a sitter for my baby.  It was really slow and your tip made all the difference.

I realized that that time I wasn't giving to make someone like me more or to make me feel better -  it was a true God prompt.

I told her that my daughter Daphne was a great sitter and I wrote down our number for her... she has a 7 month old.  

It felt good to bless.

I am thankful to feel like a vessel being used here.  Sometimes I've thought recently that if I didn't have a family to care for I'd as soon not breathe in and out anymore.

But I have worth in so many ways.

My thankful list today is that I may have been on HER thankful list.  

Yesterday!

I had a truly special day yesterday!

1) thankful for subbing-  it makes me feel actually good at something.  I love my friend Tara's class-  a small group with kids that truly NEED us  ... and a few gems that I check my math work with before we go over answers because they are so smart.  They don't care if a cry a bit during a read aloud because I know more about nazi Germany than they do yet..sing the whole Mary poppins soundtrack during a math fluency lesson. and the adults in the school make me feel important.

2) mike who got all the kids to school SO I could sub all day!!!! (He's doing it again today too)

3) charity for taking such great care of Henry after preschool-  at which he received the October academics award!!!!  Yay hank!

4) watching Maisie at jazz come into her own as a dancer! And miss k for being the kind of encourager I want to be in a mom!  She is patient and always always praising!  

5) and the BEST of all my friend Julie who practiced an act of kindness for ME!  While I was running around after subbing she came and took daphne and Ruby and Tate for a walk.  And then ----and here's the over the top service-  she washed all my dishes by hand (my dishwasher has been broken for 2 weeks plus!) even the ones I've been ignoring in the dishwasher (they had mold growing on them).

Julie Marie-  you blessed the socks off of me!

 

Wednesday night I was googling "nervous breakdown" and Thursday night I went to bed knowing I kicked BUTT and also that my friends and family won't ever let me breakdown completely.

So thankful.......

Counting something good

I told you I needed practice with positivity -  so here it goes...my homework for November!!!

1) the man at the gas station who filled my gas tank at 550am.  He's 71--- works all night and had a smile on his face for me.

2) two great days with Maisie jo!!!

3) Cubs win-  that's for you mike sr! Love you!  

4) Daphne and her cousin had solos last night in their choir concert-  very special!

5) my peeps-  you are like my buoys right now.  I text and annoy you all day long about this or that.  It takes an army to replace my mom -  she always had the right answers and then would email later and say can I come tomorrow and give you a break?

Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and 

Blessings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Between the perfect world and the bottom line...keeping  love alive through these troubled times---it's a miracle in itself". Martina McBride 

Heard those words lately on an old cd-  and it's so true!  Movie love and movie endings are a farce.  The bottom line is that life is hard.  I was shielded from that for a long time-  what a blessing.  Loving parents, grandparents, health, ease at school,  etc.  Blessed.

And because of that easy life, I never used to have to work at positivity. Then my world blew up in my face -  slow motion mind you but I have become jaded. Life is hard-  not fair-  poor me-  to be honest some of my worst hours lately have been so dark.  

 If you can imagine depression as a strainer or colander at a kitchen store-  depression would be the one with the smallest holes.  The one you might use to strain rice.  In depression I feel like I'm trapped in a strainer with tiny holes.  Sometimes the holes get bigger-  like after a good workout the open big and I find myself smiling and texting people happy things.  Or sometimes when one of my kids does something really special the holes open up too or when I force them open with things that make me feel better-  in all honesty-  I try to open the "holes" with tator tots, skittles, wine, and funny television shows!  

But those holes return to trap me from giving and receiving joy no matter what I try.

I know in my mind that outside things aren't so bad -  in fact I'm one of the blessed.  But depression is like a shield from reality.

But I have tools.  I have support.  I have doctors.  And most importantly I believe there is hope.  

I had a realization today that it's gonna take some purposeful action to climb out -  to no longer experience this world -  this blessed life-  under a shield of protection.  A shield made of sad memories and genetic make up and bad habits.  

Day by day I need to change my perspective - I need to practice positivity.  

I guess it's fitting that we are rolling into November and thanksgiving season.  

If you've experienced any of my contagious sadness,  cup half empty,  depressing, grouchy -  I apologize.  Especially to my husband and kids.  

Even if this season continues on a little longer I want my family to know I'm cognizant of my  mood.  Im gonna try harder.  

If you are reading this some day -  my babies- know that even us moms are far from perfect. But my love for you is real.  My dreams for our family are far reaching!  

So ---- If you ever wonder:

I love you Mike!

I love you Daphne!

I love you Maisie Jo!

I love you Ruby!

I love you Henry!

Not so much Tate!

I owe so many people thanks for sticking with me.  I want to run.  I stay because of you-  and the hope of a new tomorrow.  

Why am I worrying what other people think of my grief?

Sorta over spending quiet moments worrying about what people think of me.

So concerned that people are thinking:

"wow it's been long enough"

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"

"Look at all your blessings."

"She lived 65 years- that's a long life"

"So and so has lost more and they are functioning better than you"

Maybe these are comments that no one is thinking and it's my mean self talk.  I think so.

But moments keep happening that stop me in my tracks -  making me relive it all-  make me realize this remains a season under heaven for tears.

Like yesterday in the middle of dance chaos I answer the phone to a strange Portland number.  It's dr Quinn -  neurologist in Portland-  and he says he has mom's brain autopsy results.  Turns out mom had early onset Alzheimer's after all.  Doesn't really matter but my little soul is stabbed again.  Mom's brain.  Her intelligence, her neurons that held memories of beach walking and babies held for the first time and the knowledge of how to teach a 6 year old to transform chunks of letters into words... all sliced and prodded to give us an answer of what took her from us.

Maybe yesterday a mama I love hugged me at the gym and I felt guilt because she lost her baby boy in his sleep at a dear age of 17.  How can I cry when her hurt must of been bigger?  How can I use food to make me feel better when she obviously didn't-  she is fit and tiny and rocking life at 50 something.

I have no answers -  this is just my reality.  My reality that my heart is still bleeding- it's got a clotting problem that no medicine but time will stitch close.

I keep trying to squeeze it shut.  But then again like yesterday a card will come with the words "I had the privilege of knowing both your parents.  They were wonderful people-  I bet you miss them so much."

You can't ignore that truth staring at you in ink.

So devil on my shoulder that keeps putting words in my thoughts about how I should be acting -  quiet yourself-  and people out there if you have any of those thoughts for real.  Well quiet them too-  or walk away from me.  Cuz it's just my reality right now.